Wow. If you’re celebrity, when it comes to being pregnant, you’re guilty until proven innocent. That’s egg-austing.

Since there is still a lot of money in this, especially for an exclusive, the industry works like this: there are spies everywhere-and I mean everywhere. The media is on a constant lookout for a PMS day of water retention that MAY be a baby bump.

I witnessed this first hand when a while back I took my 14 year old to the Katy Perry Concert at Madison Square Garden. Ms Perry, then married to that British guy, mentioned in her accolades of NYC that NYC pizza was great and rubbed her tummy attributing it to great NYC pizza. I texted this to my family member at the gossip rag-teasing him that here was a pregnancy related bit about her not being pregnant. Next thing I know it’s online at a few different gossip sites as “Katy Perry attributes belly to pizza not baby” Surreal, a random comment turned into a non-story story.
First of all, there was no belly to speak of as Ms Perry danced around in one fabulous outfit after another. Second I’m clearly an idiot for texting the comment-although I’m sure reporters were busy doing the same given the buzzing of the bees. I felt as if I had accidentally wandered into someone’s personal life and territory-and I am someone who talks about giving birth constantly and deals with breasts all day!

Celebrity child interest is not a new thing. We started with kids and babies becoming accessories in the media –dating back to Joan Crawford’s very public adoptions to improve her image and now we cant get enough of who is having who’s baby. I cant help but think it distracts from the real conversations,-like how much we love our kids and want a better safer world for them, or how one overcame challenges of breastfeeding or going back to work or how parents are trying harder than ever to be good parents and good people.

I think the most concerning aspect is that soon, nothing will be sacred in terms of our privacy. We will see some celebs scheduled live c-section on TV, probably followed by a media special on her vaginal rejuvenation, we will watch the slow death by addiction of another celebs child with up to the date close-ups of each score, -I guess I wonder-will anything be sacred in the press anymore? As much as we reveal and expose for own entertainment this then seems to leak into serious media on how much information can I get away with publishing first even if I am incorrect? The insatiable desire spills into all areas of news consumption-as evidenced by the recent publishing of names and addresses of gun owners and the fledgling idea of publishing rape victims names. The general trend towards all things known publicly instantly doesn’t allow us much time to think about what we write, or say or how we react-whether we are the writer or the reader. I’m all for “transparency” but with matters of the heart and body; I want people to have their privacy.

Joy and hope-like grief- can be immensely private and sometimes only deeply felt after experienced in intimate context-not necessarily on a world stage.

Given that there has been quite a bit of negative reaction in the press, I thought I would post the actual ‘Latch On’ recommendations for parents to see themselves:

Hospitals joining Latch On NYC have agreed to:

• Enforce the New York State hospital regulation to not supplement breastfeeding infants with formula unless medically indicated and documented on the infant’s medical chart
• Limit access to infant formula by hospital staff
• Discontinue the distribution of promotional or free infant formula
• Prohibit the display and distribution of infant formula advertising or promotional materials in any hospital location

Here are some other key points for parents to know:

• Hospitals can choose to participate or not
• The program supports an already existing public health law (listed in the first bullet above) that has not been adhered to by hospitals.
• The point of limiting access of formula serves two purposes: to change the culture of hospitals postpartum to be more supportive of breastfeeding moms, and also to use the formula that public hospitals buy for those who actually need it rather than wasting valuable city funds.
• Discontinuing free promotional items from formula companies is valid due to the fact that the early days of nursing feel very vulnerable – we are very insecure and unsure even when everything is going well. Having promotional material ever-present could undermine our confidence in breastfeeding further. It’s similar to public schools wanting to get soda machines out of the lunch room (yes, I know formula is not soda – no need to email me – I’m just making a point about the value of advertising to a vulnerable population).

The Baby Friendly Initiative has been around for over a decade, yet not a single hospital in NYC has been able to meet its criteria, failing to support the early days of mother and baby in an evidence-based manner. What I see time and time again is that if a mom gets the breastfeeding support she truly needs through the first 2-7 days, she is generally good to go after that. Anyone like Bloomberg who attempts to bring this to the public eye and encourage more immediate postpartum support is recognizing that new parents need more support – not more product.

What a ridiculous question. Of course she can have it all. She will have a great team at work and she will have a huge village at home. Because that’s what you do to “have it all” as a woman in America – you have to assemble the village at home. Folks to cook, clean, co-raise your child, do laundry, shop etc.

“Can we have it all?” isn’t the right question anymore, because it’s a question developed in reaction to how challenging it is for women to maintain meaningful work, childrearing and relationships in a world that has never valued these things to begin with. For lack of a better way to put it (and I mean no disrespect to men in general) it’s a “man’s world” question that women are asking. We are assuming by that question that women and mothers want to play the same game that got us all here in the first place – with just a slight variation that includes better maternity leave and childcare. Maybe for a romanticized few moments post-WW2, Mad Men of a certain race and class “could have it all”: the wife, the kids, the house, the car, the household help, the mistress, and the vacations. But do people today – men included – really want that model? A model that tells me I can take 2 weeks maternity leave and that even then I will probably have to work during it, in order to have it all? (By the way, I know many men that would be euphoric with two weeks of paternity leave – is anyone asking Mr. Mayer how much paternity leave he is taking? We would not want him to miss out on the glory that is postpartum.)

At a certain economic level, a woman can make her choice to emulate that global market drive and far be it for anyone to say she can’t. Marissa Mayer is on the threshold of two once in a lifetime experiences, and I’m thinking that’s enough on her plate right now. How she does this is really none of our business as this conversation – prompted by her textbook life moment of “I’m a working woman and I’m a pregnant”- is really about all of us.

For me, I’m interested in who decided that “having it all” was a good thing, because it seems only a few get to have “it”. And in fact, what does “having it all” even mean in the first place?

For most of us, the idea of having it all looks something like those commercials where Kelly Ripa is selling us yet another kitchen appliance. Kids happy, career great, party saved by our amazing ability to cook something fabulous in 5 minutes, probably ending with a wink at our husband, with our size four cuteness and great hair. By the way, all my days look like that, really.

Recognize this image? It’s a female version of the Leave It To Beaver Dad – provider, father, words of wisdom, quality husband, still had a martini everyday and good abs.

It’s a nice intention, to sell us a dream (as well as an appliance) that our life can be like that – but what is it they say about good intentions…?

The challenge with the question of “can I have it all” is that it leads me, as a woman, to still define myself by my outside production: did I attract a husband, did I produce a child, did I have a career? A world that defines us by our external accomplishments is still a world that doesn’t value us enough to take care of its people: healthcare, education, support, transportation, jobs, childcare-all things healthy sane people and families need.

It’s not about us having it all; it’s about our world catching up what our hearts and minds know is possible. It’s about us redefining what it means to have equal value, worldwide say and recognition beyond these labels - mother, career woman, and wife. The whole world has to change for women, and their families to have what they need.

Don’t define me by what “I have” whether it is all or some, define me –and value me-by who I am.

As I am all for extensive training and improvement – I would like to suggest a few more models that could perhaps be useful:

Dilating Debbie – why not create a medical dummy to help prepare for the other 1,900 or so births in the U.K. each day? Basically a counterpart to her “desperate” alter ego, Dilating Debbie could be fitted with fetuses at varying weights from 5lbs through 9lbs so that doctors can practice their palpation skills and stop being so darn wrong about the size of the baby.  An optional customized voice box, available in 763 languages, would say; ”I’m going to sit up to push now.”

Breech Bertha – simulating a breech birth as well as excellent training for twins. Bringing back the lost diagnosis of  “NSVB-MW” (Normal Spontaneous Vaginal Birth-Mooning the World)

Recovery Rita – an anatomically correct model of postpartum, Recovery Rita sweats, cries, bleeds, urinates frequently, leaks milk and is completely sleep deprived. The silicone model responds positively to naps, shoulder rubs, showers, being fed, reassurance that she is doing a good job with her baby, and 1 year full paid leave from work that can be split between parents.

I don’t want to make light of the few who need true medical emergency c-sections. Obviously it’s frightening for everyone involved. However if we’ve got the money, time and silicone to invest in training, let’s not forget the majority.

It used to be that the placenta was seen as simple “medical waste” post birth. These days, however, folks do all sorts of things with it!

1. Yup, some folks really do eat it. If there’s a woman who manages to get through their entire pregnancy without a story about placenta paté popping up, I’ve yet to meet her.

2. Encapsulation is a pretty big thing in hipster Brooklyn and near various food co-ops around the United States. Basically, the placenta is freeze-dried, ground and encapsulated in a pill to swallow. It’s sort of like the kale chips of placentas – we don’t really have to admit we are eating kale if we’ve roasted and salted it and turned it into kale chips. It’s the same with placenta encapsulation – you can somehow manage to take your mind off the fact that you’re eating the placenta if it’s in a pill.

3. Hair products, face creams, and lotions may be created these days with placenta. Who knows what you are slathering on your face!

4. These days, there is a cord blood bank* that stores and banks the placental blood. Cord blood banking is used for treatments of certain cancers, with the blood most often used for siblings. The additional option of banking the placental blood allows a larger sample and thus possibly expands the ages and duration the sample could be use for.

5. Given that all the “low lying pharmaceutical fruit” has been plucked (according to my really smart neuroscientist PhD cousin-in-law), using placenta to figure out if there are new application possibilities seems valid.

6. Bury it. Many a tree or shrub has flourished from its rich fertilizer.

It’s 10pm – do you know where your placenta is?

*Blogger Etiquette: The only cord blood bank that banks placental blood is LifeBankUSA. They are one of the educational sponsors of www.birth360.com however they have no say in my editorial or creative content.

More importantly, what parents to need know – especially with the recent coverage sparked by some high-profile photos on the topic of nursing toddlers – is that parenting trends do not exist in social political vacuum but instead reflect the nature of politics. So the rise of attachment parenting is not due to better branding of attachment parenting, it’s due to Obama being a relatively nice guy. When Bush and Cheney were in power, authoritarian parenting was much more in fashion. When the Clintons were in power, attachment parenting was having a heyday. I could go on, but you get the point.

When it comes down to it, no one political party is a better ‘parent’ than the other – no more than a family who sets a boundary with sleep is a “non-attachment” parent. With babies, toddlers, children, siblings and parents, there are always many moving variables that makes every situation different. Ultimately, families need support and education for handling those variables in a way that supports the family’s growth and health.

A true parenting style is neither attachment nor authoritarian. It is connected (attached) with healthy boundaries (an authority). That’s what you are reaching for folks – but it is more of a moderate independent party than a convention-hosting 500lb gorilla, to be fair.  Branded tee-shirts, onesies and BPA free martini glasses with logo all available on my website…as soon as I’ve decided what to call the party.

My ability to judge her mode of transport for her baby food is immediately nixed by the fact that I am caught indulging in reading this gossip about someone I don’t even know and will probably never meet.

So, it stands to reason that if we are teaching babies and children to be aware of what they feel and what they need (for example, whether they are hungry), perhaps they are becoming that little bit smarter. I often joke that 80% of the behavior of our kids from birth until they leave home is that they are either hungry or tired!

By the way, I would say it’s the same for adults – we just cover it up better! (or at least we think we do!)

It’s great to see research that reinforces a positive principle regarding feeding, but I’d still like to suggest a language change – one that I encouraged in my Realbirth days, and which many teachers and lactation consultants I work with have adopted.

How about we call it Feeding on Cue?

Linking feeding to the hunger cues of our children sounds much more appropriate. As well as making it sound as if a mother is her child’s slave, “feeding on demand” is  associated almost solely with breastfeeding. That misses the fact that even with bottle-feeding it is still appropriate to feed based on hunger cues, not by the clock.

Psychologically, it feels much more doable to feed my baby based on hunger cues than feeling I am an on-demand cow or a glorified bottle warmer. Semantics? I think not – let’s take the sting out of the dependency of our baby and use a word that describes what we’re trying to achieve: feeding our children when they are hungry.

The growth curve that no one really talks about and that is surely just as important is the one of the parent. When we have a baby, we too are in our infancy – as a parent. We are unsure, in shock, unable to do our normal things, and almost completely dependent on the kindness of the clinical, educational or experiential people around us. Finally though, we begin to get a routine – and that’s when we decide that we know everything. Our parenting style becomes the defacto way to parent – it’s “my way or the highway” because we know everything, and our parenting is always slightly better than everyone else’s. Welcome to your adolescence as a parent.

This adolescent state is responsible for the mommy wars, the breast vs bottle battle, the epidural vs natural debate, the cosleep vs cry-it-out controversy, and so on. You name it and the polarization one sees in parenting styles is generally an immediate reaction to something as opposed to thoughtful assessment. Only if we move beyond this stage (and some never do) do we grow up as a parent.

Here are the signs that you are becoming a grown up parent:

• You recognize that for the most part everyone is doing the best they can

• You now feel empathy for the parent when you hear a crying child rather than judging the parent

• You understand that you know nothing.

• You are vaguely sceptical of anything that is being sold to you as an answer

• You have a healthy regard for authority but the strength to make your own decision

• You know what it means to “be present” with your child…and you enjoy it (even if in limited doses at times!)

• You value unstructured outdoor play over anything plugged in, wired, or that requires batteries, …except in the car where you will do anything possible to keep from pulling over and screaming at them that you swear to god you will leave them roadside.

• You have had at least one experience with your child that is probably your stupid fault that you deeply regret

• The house is messy occasionally to fairly often

• You once fed your children ice cream for dinner

• You have said to your child something along the lines of ‘I am not a waitress, I am not a servant, I am not here just to do your bidding, and it is not always all about you’.

• You have had to apologize to your child(ren)

• You have despaired at the sass.

• You have given yourself a time-out

• You still, no matter what, know your child(ren) are the best in the world…and it makes you tear up a little when you think about it.